I was coming in from out of town during the first weekend of July when I a Three Doors Down song broke me down. The name of the song was, "Here Without You." I am sure it was written after losing a companion, girlfriend or something like that. But all I could think of was Lorretta Hill (my mother).
"...Everything I know and everywhere I go. It gets hard, but it won't take away my love.... I'm here without you baby but you're still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby. And I dream about you all the time. I'm here without you baby. But you're still with me in my dreams. And, tonight it's only YOU and ME."
Those were two of the many lines of the song that broke me down. I've had my moments where it's been harder to deal with the loss of my mother, who left us on May 7, 2010. But my birthday was tough. I tried to cloud my sadness with activities, people and so on. But at the end of the day... or weekend, I still didn't get that call from that sweet lady... saying, "I Just Called To Wish You a Happy Birthday. I love you. What do you want for your birthday?"
That was my mother, always giving and thinking of others... even during her last days. I've tried to be stoic and continue to move forward. And, I am doing pretty good if you ask me. But underneath it all. I still hurt. I am still in pain. And, tears are streaming down my face as I type these words before you.
Just keeping it real for my blog. I haven't written anying on here in a minute, and I definitely felt the need to release. I hope you don't mind.
Seriously, when I lost my mother I felt like I lost my guide. What I mean by that is, coming up I didn't do things like try hard in school, sports and others necesarily for myself. I did it to please my mother. There was nothing like bringing home a good report card, or awards for achievement to show off to my mother, so she could then brag about me to family members from out of town and friends. Hell, when I won my first of many regional journalism awards (about seven years ago) my mother was the FIRST person I notified.
She thought I was ready to take on the world and become the world's greatest journalist. And even though I've always been a print and moderate sports talk radio guy, my mother would always ask me when I was going to be on TV.
(Smiling as I type) Those were days. I know she's still looking down and smiling at some of the good things I may be doing. I hope she's turning her head during some of the not-so-good moments in my life. Ultimately, I hope I'm still making her proud.
I love you, mom.